All the way to Heaven... and back again

What I love most about spring is that everything is made new.  All around us, the scenery changes from a cold, dead gray to a burst of living color! The layers of clothing that have bound us for months begin to shed as the sun draws closer and closer towards the earth. The sound of baby birds chirping for their breakfast brings such JOY to my heart! Such beautiful reminders all around that we have new life in Christ Jesus!

 For the past several years Easter and Thanksgiving have been spent at my sister, Karen’s house.  She and her husband Marty live in the most precious little farmhouse that I believe was built in the 1920’s and moved to its current location sometime in the 1940’s.  She has restored it so beautifully. Truly a trip back in time when you enter in.  There is a barn in the back which Marty takes great pride in. It’s where we congregate for these family events.  Tables are lined with linens where we place our most prized dishes of casseroles and desserts. For Easter, the front barn doors are open wide to welcome warm sunshine and a fresh clean breeze; only closed for a few minutes to corral the little ones as Easter eggs are hidden.



Ready Set GO!



This Easter was particularly special because the Lord has blessed us with Karsen, my very first great-niece! She is so precious that the fact I’m old enough to have a GREAT niece doesn’t even faze me. As I held her and watched my own children running around, an ache pinched my heart.

Wasn’t it just a moment ago that I held this baby girl’s daddy in my arms? Didn’t I just rock my own babies to sleep as I rock Karsen now?

Wait… wasn’t it just yesterday that I wrapped my little arms around my momma’s neck and pulled her face to meet mine so she would look at me while I was talking to her?

I looked over at my momma.  She looked so pretty. I wondered if time’s swift hand had caused her the same pain. I’m certain it has.

With Mother’s Day and Easter still alive all around me there is so much I want to share! These past few weeks have been such a time of revelation that I’m having a hard time knowing where to begin sharing with you.  Forgive me if this entry turns to babble!

I learned something so very profound just weeks before Easter Sunday that it has melted into so many areas of my life. I believe I will start with sharing what I learned. Many of you may already know this bit of knowledge, but maybe there are a lot of you who will be excited like me! J

“From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land. About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”).”

Matthew 27:45-46

I always wondered why Jesus would say that! Because he was in so much pain and was asking God why would He allow His Son to go through this? But, Jesus already knew what would happen… But if He already knew then why question God???  And if Jesus is questioning God, then maybe it’s not so bad if we question God???  Confused?

Actually, it’s not confusing at all.  Believe it or not, King James did NOT write the Bible.  And no, that was not my profound revelation. [insert giggles].  WAAY back before King James, all Rabbis started their training as young boys.  They didn’t have the Old Testament given to them, sectioned by chapters with each verse assigned a number for referencing and put together in a nice leather bound book with their name imprinted in gold leaf on the front. They had to memorize it all, scroll by scroll.  So, when referencing something particular, they would recite the first line of the section they were referencing.  Just as if I were to say “In John 3:16” You would probably know what that verse is about.

SO….

As Jesus, the Messiah, hangs on the cross beaten (but not broken), he cries out, NOT to God but to man, the first part of what we know as Psalm 22. There was NO doubt! There was NO questioning the Father!  Jesus, in what must have seemed to be His weakest moment to all who were watching, cried out in VICTORY:

“Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?”!!!!

Basically saying: I AM Who I say I AM. I AM the Messiah! The One David wrote about!  Here is the Proof!

Psalm 22

¹ My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
   Why are you so far from saving me,
   so far from my cries of anguish?
² My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
   by night, but I find no rest.

³ Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
   you are the one Israel praises.
⁴ In you our ancestors put their trust;
   they trusted and you delivered them.
⁵ To you they cried out and were saved;
   in you they trusted and were not put to shame.

(read the entire chapter at the end of this blog entry! So powerful!)

After reading Psalm 22 in its entirety, I began to think of all the other times in my life when I doubted something or someone simply because the entire truth wasn’t revealed to me.  Or because, more times than not, I had been too selfish or self absorbed to look beyond my own pain to see the truth.  

Back to my mother…

For many years I manned this incredible wall of hurt and bitterness that I built as a barrier between my mother and me.  I loved her so much yet I was so angry.  When I was very young, my mom decided to leave my father.  She also left her children: my brother who was entering his pre-teen years, my sister who is 7 ½ years older than me, and of course, me.  I believe I was around 2 years old.  My father was (and still is) an alcoholic.  I don’t remember him ever being mean to us or hurting us.  I do remember that he wasn’t around very much.  He remarried quickly to what we refer to as the “step monster”.  She was a mean drunk.  She and her teenage boys left me with scars both physically and emotionally. 

Having no true sense of time at such a young age, it felt like I lived in that nightmare for eternity! In reality it wasn’t very long until my mom came back for us.  She had found her “knight in shining armor” that turned out to be the saving grace for all of us.  I always said that he took us out of that hell and made us a family once again.  He was never a “step-dad” in my eyes or my heart.  Just my dad.  I credited him for it ALL while silently I guarded the wall of my heart that faced my mother.  Growing up, my mother and I never really fought and we really did love each other. When my dad passed away suddenly of a massive heart attack both of our worlds were shattered. Not being able (or willing) to see my mother’s pain through my own grief, the little girl inside of me quickly added more layers to the wall.  Then when I had a child of my own and truly understood a mother’s love, I couldn’t fathom how she could just leave us like she did.  I added the final layer to the wall around my heart. 

THANK YOU GOD FOR YOUR GRACE AND MERCY!

Longing for a better relationship with my mother, I began to pray.  It became clear that this wall I had built to protect myself from hurt had become my tomb.  Slowly, the Lord chiseled away at that wall and with every drop of mortar, a little bit of truth was revealed. 

Like looking past my doubt and seeing the truth behind Jesus’ words on the cross and letting GLORY fill my soul, He allowed me to look past my hurt and I was able to see my mother for who she was then and who she truly is today.

My mother then:

 The Lord in His endless mercy changed my harsh question of “how could she!” to a soft “why did she?” Slowly I began to see with spiritual eyes and not only did the wall get destroyed, my heart broke for my mother.  I don’t think she had even turned 30 years old when she left.  That’s more than 6 years younger than I am now.  A young woman, married to an abusive husband.  I can’t imagine the lies spoken over her that made her believe she wasn’t good enough or worthy enough to take her children with her when she left.  She shared with me a few years ago that during the months she spent living without us, she was working hard to make a way for us all to be together again. She asked for my forgiveness but by this time the only forgiveness needed was hers.

All the years spent building a tomb could have been spent building a relationship! I thank God every single day for restoring the relationship with my mother.

My mother now:

 For several years now, my momma has been my best friend, my mentor, my saving grace, and a great source of strength.  I see her now for whom she has always been:

      Beautiful inside and out

      STRONG

      Godly

      SRONG

      Loves her children

      STRONG

      Loves her grandchildren

      STRONG

      Loves her great-grandchildren

      STRONG

      The hardest worker I know

      STRONG

      A good friend

      STRONG

      Trustworthy

      STRONG

      Giving

      STRONG

      Lover of butterflies, music, anything purple, sappy movies, working with her hands, and baby girls

      STRONG

She knows that her strength comes from the One who created her- the very One proclaiming: “Eli, Eli,lema sabachthani?” as he redeemed us all from our brokenness.

All things will be made new if we just give it to Him

 I’ve seen Him change a scared, broken young woman with no sense of self-worth into a strong and mighty woman of God.  I’ve witnessed this miracle in the life of my mother.  I see this miracle every morning when I look in the mirror. 

We are not promised our next breath.

Let’s ask the Lord to reveal the places in our heart where walls may still stand.  Time does go by so fast.  I’m not sure how many more Easter gatherings with my family I will be blessed with but I do know that every single one will be spent loving and cherishing my family.  There is NO time for bitterness. 

I try to remember that we have all been broken in some way throughout our lives.  Some turn to addictions to cope.  Some run away. We hurt those we love. We allow our hurts to build walls. We deny ourselves and others healing by gripping on to bitterness for dear life.

Loosen the grip. Let bitterness fall to the floor.  Allow God to chisel away at the walls we’ve built so that He can heal and reveal to us the TRUTH behind what our simple and selfish eyes have perceived. 

Buried inside the tomb we’ve built around our heart is a cry of VICTORY ready to burst forth! Let it!

¹ My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
   Why are you so far from saving me,
   so far from my cries of anguish?
² My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
   by night, but I find no rest.

³ Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
   you are the one Israel praises.
⁴ In you our ancestors put their trust;
   they trusted and you delivered them.
⁵ To you they cried out and were saved;
   in you they trusted and were not put to shame.

⁶ But I am a worm and not a man,
   scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
⁷ All who see me mock me;
   they hurl insults, shaking their heads.
⁸ “He trusts in the LORD,” they say,
   “let the LORD rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
   since he delights in him.”

⁹ Yet you brought me out of the womb;
   you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.
¹⁰ From birth I was cast on you;
   from my mother’s womb you have been my God.

¹¹ Do not be far from me,
   for trouble is near
   and there is no one to help.

¹² Many bulls surround me;
   strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.
¹³ Roaring lions that tear their prey
   open their mouths wide against me.
¹⁴ I am poured out like water,
   and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart has turned to wax;
   it has melted within me.
¹⁵ My mouth is dried up like a potsherd,
   and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
   you lay me in the dust of death.

¹⁶ Dogs surround me,
   a pack of villains encircles me;
   they pierce my hands and my feet.
¹⁷ All my bones are on display;
   people stare and gloat over me.
¹⁸ They divide my clothes among them
   and cast lots for my garment.

¹⁹ But you, LORD, do not be far from me.
   You are my strength; come quickly to help me.
²⁰ Deliver me from the sword,
   my precious life from the power of the dogs.
²¹ Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
   save me from the horns of the wild oxen.

²² I will declare your name to my people;
   in the assembly I will praise you.
²³ You who fear the LORD, praise him!
   All you descendants of Jacob, honor him!
   Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!
²⁴ For he has not despised or scorned
   the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him
   but has listened to his cry for help.

²⁵ From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly;
   before those who fear you I will fulfill my vows.
²⁶ The poor will eat and be satisfied;
   those who seek the LORD will praise him—
   may your hearts live forever!

²⁷ All the ends of the earth
   will remember and turn to the LORD,
and all the families of the nations
   will bow down before him,
²⁸ for dominion belongs to the LORD
   and he rules over the nations.

²⁹ All the rich of the earth will feast and worship;
   all who go down to the dust will kneel before him—
   those who cannot keep themselves alive.
³⁰ Posterity will serve him;
   future generations will be told about the Lord.
³¹ They will proclaim his righteousness,
   declaring to a people yet unborn:
   He has done it!

Psalm 22

To my momma:

 I love you all the way to Heaven and back!

Be blessed and remember to always be a blessing J

What's LOVE Got To Do With It? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken???

Tina, I couldn't have said it better myself!  I mean, really.  Why bother?

 I think it's safe to say that we have all had our hearts broken at least once in our life.  Most of the time we KNOW when our hearts are being broken. It's real and in our face at the moment of impact. Other times it's a slow process.  We don't realize the damage until years later; often when we are trying to heal from something else.  I never realized how broken my heart had been having an alcoholic father who loved his drink more than he loved me. God had sent me the most wonderful "step dad" to fill that earthly void so growing up I was able to ignore the pain by filling the void with the love of my "dad".  The actual trauma to my heart didn't become apparent until I had to face being abandoned by my husband.  What I had perceived as a scarred heart all these years, was actually an open wound merely covered by a battle dressing.

As a wound works to heal itself, pustulent clings desperately to the bandage for healing and rejuvenation. However, when a bandage is applied without a proper cleaning and medication, it merely hides the festering infection that grows underneath until the pain becomes so overwhelming that the only option is to remove the bandage and doctor the infection for relief.  Removing the bandage causes even more pain as the clinging bandage takes tissue with it, leaving an exposed, raw, gaping wound; much worse than the original.
If this is what love lost does to the heart, then why bother? Knowing how excruciating this pain is, how do I protect my children from it? Why take the chance again with my own heart?

During our Bible study a couple of weeks ago, we were discussing how Elisha longed for a double portion of Elijah's spirit.  We went around sharing what we would like to have a double portion of in each other.  My sweet friend, who is also a single mom, made the comment that she would like to have a double portion of my strength.  She added, "I don't know how you do it.  If I had to deal with all you have had to deal with, I'd be in a mental institution!" We all laughed and through the laughter, everyone seemed to agree with her.  I was taken back because when looking at each of these women, I see so much strength that it overwhelms me! And there they were, wanting a double portion of my strength.  The "I don't know how you do it" comment stayed with me.  The answer is simple. 
                                                                              
                                                                              LOVE

The very element that caused the hurt is the ONE and ONLY medication that will heal it.  Isn't that so like God??? 

The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy.  He uses love most often to bring us down because he knows the power that love holds.  He twists and molds our perception of love until it's like looking at carnival mirrors and eventually the distorted image seems normal.  We end up removing shards of broken images from our flesh as we foolishly follow the sound of the enemy's voice leading us into yet another fun house full of distorted mirrors.
I see it battered women who stay with their abusers because they believe that's what love looks like.  I see it in teenagers who take their own life because the one they love decided to love another.  But I also see it in myself when I doubt my own self worth.

                                         So how can love destroy and heal at the same time?

Love doesn't destroy. The enemy does.  He knows the power of LOVE because LOVE cast him out of Heaven.  LOVE was nailed to a cross along with all of our sins.  LOVE busted open the gates of hell and rose victorious! The enemy knows that LOVE will come again. 

How do we truly heal? The Word tells us that we are to be imitators of Christ.  If Christ IS Love, how do we reflect that?

1 Corinthians 13 defines love for us.  Before that, it emphasises how important and powerful love truly is.  It tells us that we could have faith that moves mountains, but without love, we are NOTHING.  We could speak in the language of the angels but without love, we may as well be blabbering idiots!  So what is love?

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy,

it does not boast, it is not proud.

 ⁵ It does not dishonor others,

 it is not self-seeking,

 it is not easily angered,

it keeps no record of wrongs.

⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth

 ⁷ It always protects,

always trusts,

always hopes,

 always perseveres. 

 ⁸ Love never fails.

The chapter ends with:

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.

 But the greatest of these is love.



Love is patient, love is kind: The Lord is so patient with me and my fleshly tendencies and I need to be reminded of this when my patience runs thin with others.  Being kind is a reflection of patience which in turn, is reflecting Christ.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. I've never been one to long for material possessions.  I've never cared about having "bigger and better".  I've never based my success on the things I can show off. Envy, boastfulness, and pride doesn't always relate to material things. My struggle: Being envious of my married friends who have husbands who love the Lord and their lives reflect it. Boasting and pride over my children being such good kids with kind hearts; as if it were my accomplishment.  I'm constantly having to remind myself that EVERYTHING I have comes for the Lord (including being a single mom) and to HIM be all the glory, honor and praise. 

 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. This one I struggle with the most.  I was actually delayed in posting this entry because I didn't want to be a hypacrit.  While writing this entry, I was served with legal papers stating that my ex-husband is taking me back to court to get child support lowered.  It was such a harsh blow; especially having seen him pick up the kids just weeks earlier in a brand new $42,000 truck.  When he abandoned us almost 4 years ago, he also abandoned all parental responsibilty, never taking an active role in the children's life. Out of the 365 days in 2010, he spent less than 10 days with the children.  So, you can imagine when I read the papers, all my flesh wanted to do is dishonor him! Find a way to hurt him to make myself feel better! I was ANGRY! And I immediately pulled out my little notebook of the ex's wrongdoings and began looking for a lawyer. I had to take some time to refocus and turn my fleshly anger into righteous anger before sharing with you.  It's a daily struggle for sure.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth This relates to what I just shared.  There is a fine line between revenge and justice when it comes to our heart's desire.  I pray daily for discernment between the two. Our God is a just God! He will always go to bat for us! We need to make sure that it's justice we pray for and not revenge.

 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I think about my role as a mother when I read this.  The love I have for my children is so strong that my first instinct is to protect them, even if it meant sacrificing my own life. To trust that they will always be in the Lord's favor. I'm always hoping that I am doing all that I can to help fulfill the Lord's will in their lives. And I will NEVER give up! I may cry myself to sleep some nights out of pure exhaustion, but JOY comes in the morning! I will always stand back up because greater is HE who is in me!

 Love never fails. Again, GREATER is HE who is in me, than the brokeness that once defined me! I fail on a daily bases, but LOVE has never failed me.  When I'm black and blue and cut to pieces from running into all those fun house mirrors, it's true LOVE who mends my breaks!

FAITH: Truely believing that the will of God will never take us where the grace of God will not protect us.

HOPE: Truely believeing that whatever we may be going through, God is not only going see us through it, He will justify it and use it to bring GLORY to His name!

LOVE: SALVATION the greatest of these 

KNOW LOVE.  Truly know love! Know what love is not.  Never give up on love because Love has never given up on you.

Be blessed and remember to always be a blessing

Please excuse me. I'll be right with you! This will take just a minute. I need to lose my mind for a brief moment...

Overwhelmed- verb  1. To overcome completely in mind or feeling.  2. To overpower or overcome, especially with superior forces; destroy; crush.

Since making my New Year’s Resolutions, I feel like I have been living in a snow globe being shaken by a toddler with ADHD!  Funny how things go bananas as soon as you start making plans.  The devotion and prayer time with the kids has been precious!  The only successful resolution so far.   Hmm… maybe the rest is all spiritual backlash as a result.

I made a commitment to be home by 4:00 everyday so that I can be there as the kids get off the bus.  BUT LIFE has gotten in the way.  The computer charting and billing system we us at the office went out of business.  I’m in charge of our system change.  I am fully convinced that successfully climbing Everest would be an easier task.  There are days when I get home at 6, get the kids fed, in the bath, in the bed, and I start working again.  There is a little peace in knowing that it should all be somewhat settled in a few weeks. 

I tried dating.  I have been on dates with three different guys.  The last guy seemed to be very promising.  I met his parents and he met my family.  I even allowed myself to get excited at the possibilities… BUT LIFE (his life) wasn’t all it seemed.   Should’ve known better.  It never fails, as soon as I start getting optimistic BAM! I get knocked upside the head with some craziness from out in left field!  Oh, did I mention that this happened the day before Valentine’s Day?  Either I am a magnet for deceitful men or there just aren’t any (single) genuinely good Christian men left in the world.  As much as I want to use bitterness as a coping/protection mechanism, God didn’t create me to be that way.  As disappointing as it is and as hurtful as it can be, I have such peace in knowing that the Holy Spirit is close enough to me to reveal the truth before my heart gets too invested.   

If all that wasn’t enough, my ex tells me he is will be skipping yet another weekend. A weekend I’m scheduled to attend a work conference in Atlanta BUT LIFE left me scrambling to figure out how I am going to get four kids to baseball practice at four different times and still make the trip!

PAUSE: We need to add the recent emotional strains regarding the death of my step father and the stress of throwing the most fabulous baby shower EVER for my nephew and his wife.  Let’s not forget it’s ONLY February. 

I was an emotional wreck to say the least.  My poor kids! Sometimes I pray extra hard that they grow up normal having such a loony mother raising them! J  I was doing really well keeping it together until I looked at their sweet faces as they were getting ready for bed.  I couldn’t hold it in anymore.  Everything I do, I do with these precious babies in mind.  They deserve so much better.  As I went from room to room tucking each in as snug as a bug in a rug, I dismissed my tears by explaining that mommy wasn’t feeling very well.  My six year old little boy is always my last stop.  When I told him that I was crying because I wasn’t feeling very well, he reached out from under the covers, wiped my cheek and asked, “Is your heart sick?”  The floodgates flew wide open! I felt his little hand patting my back after I scooped him up in my arms.  Then in true Jackson form, he pulls back and hands me a headless action figure.  “Mommy, Luke Skywalker has a sick heart, too.  He lost his head.  I looked for seben-teen hours but I can’t find it.” My burst of tears instantly became a burst of laughter and I showered him with kisses. 

Back in my room, I was writing letters to some friends who are preparing to work a Christian retreat.  I had managed to stuff the hurt down again BUT LIFE entered in and the tears began again as I held a small wooden box that belonged to my dad. He has been gone for 20 years and I have cherished his little wooden box since.  What would he do if he were still here?  He would ride in on a white horse with full armor and colors flying, destroying every obstacle that blocked my path, defeating any enemy that would threaten my heart, and win back every tear and every ounce of self-worth lost! Wait….

Psalm 18:17-24 (The Message)

But me he caught—reached all the way

from sky to sea; he pulled me out

Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,

the void in which I was drowning.

They hit me when I was down,

but God stuck by me.

He stood me up on a wide-open field;

I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!

 God made my life complete

when I placed all the pieces before him.

When I got my act together,

he gave me a fresh start.

Now I'm alert to God's ways;

I don't take God for granted.

Every day I review the ways he works;

I try not to miss a trick.

I feel put back together,

and I'm watching my step.

God rewrote the text of my life

when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

Overwhelmed- verb  1. To overcome completely in mind or feeling.  2. To overpower or overcome, especially with superior forces; destroy; crush.

When we allow God to be our Father, our Redeemer, our everything, He changes our definitions.

Why have I let these earthly things overwhelm me when I have the CREATOR who promises to overwhelm anything that comes against me?!?!

Because I am human, made of flesh and bones. 

BUT GOD

I may be weak at times; BUT GOD is always strong!

I may be full of doubt at times; BUT GOD has had a plan for my life even before He created the stars!

I may feel all alone at times; BUT GOD has never left my side!

I may feel overwhelmed by life; BUT GOD overwhelms all that comes against me!

I may walk in the flesh at times; BUT GOD became flesh so that my soul doesn’t have to perish for the sins of my flesh!

I am so thankful that there is a BUT GOD for every situation in my life!

Let’s remind ourselves that for every BUT LIFE moment we have, there is a more powerful BUT GOD truth that will overwhelm them all!

Be Blessed and always remember to be a blessing!

Farewell! God knows when we shall meet again. ~William Shakespeare

 One thing have I desired of the LORD, that I will seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in His temple.

Psalm 27:4 

January 11, 2011 my step father went to be with the Lord.  He had been ill for a while. In August he fell and broke his hip.  His health rapidly declined after that.  He went back and forth from the hospital to the rehab facility, only coming home for a few hours at Christmas.  Thursday, the doctors finally sent him home and around 10:40 Saturday night, he took his last breath.  His life story, written by the very hand of the Creator, is so fascinating to me that I wanted to share it with everyone.

Jeffery David Freeman was born August 9, 1945 in Brooklyn, New York to Leo and Lillian Freemen.  Leo and Lillian met flying airplanes during WWII.  From what I understand, Leo was a fighter pilot and I believe Lillian was a WASP.  (The hopeless romantic in me LOVES that part!)They settled in Brooklyn where Leo opened a creative art studio and Lillian was happy to start raising a family.  In May of 1947, Lillian received word that her mother suffered a severe stroke.  The couple made arrangements to fly to Cleveland as quickly as possible; leaving Jeff, not quite two years old, in the care of a nursemaid.  As the airplane raced down the runway at New York’s La Guardia Airport, a change in wind prevented the four engine plane from leaving the ground.  According to one newspaper article, the DC-4 skidded 1000 feet before it lost control and eventually crashed.  35 people perished including Leo and Lillian Freeman. 

Imagine losing both parents before real memories could even be branded on your heart. 

Jeff was placed with an aunt and uncle who cared more about their wealth than they did about raising this precious little lost soul; a soul that would remain lost for many years.  Jeff shared stories of his childhood that continue to break my heart.  Stories of fending for himself, feeling alone, being alone.  Stories of flying his uncle’s airplane while his uncle entertained in the back of the plane.  Jeff was only twelve years old. Not only does my heart break for that little boy but as a mother, my heart breaks for Lillian.  I couldn’t imagine my child having to live such a life. 

As he grew older, he graduated from an elite military school and went on receive several degrees including a law degree from Emory University.  He married and became a step father to a son.  Not ever knowing a father’s love himself, Jeff didn’t take an active role in this young man’s life.  Unfortunately, neither did the boys mother.  So, the boy grew to be a man in school far away while Jeff and his wife lived an adventurous life riding motorcycles across the country, taking trips around the world, and doing what he loved most which was flying airplanes.  He loved his toys!  Cars, motorcycles, airplanes, and I think he even purchased a boat although I hear he wasn’t a very good sailor. 

Jeff met my mother in 2006, three years after his wife passed away.  She knew that Jeff wasn’t a “believer” but that didn’t stop this patron saint of lost causes!  She loved him enough to NOT give up on him.  He showered her with lavish gifts (which she gladly accepted) but he couldn’t understand that a stolen kiss was worth more to her than a thousand diamonds.  Jeff grew up believing that money and the stuff money buys determines your happiness as well as your worth.  My mother was raised (and my family believes) that happiness is equated to how much you love and that our worth was sealed by an empty tomb.   This was just too much for his analytical and unbelieving mind to comprehend.  

In January of 2009, Jeff had a cancerous kidney removed.  With a history of diabetes, his remaining kidney was almost non-functioning and so dialysis began and slowly his health declined.  Jeff was part of our family now and I my heart ached thinking of him leaving this earth a lost soul.   I was ready and willing to give him my own kidney.  I prayed, “God, please let me be a match!  Don’t let him die without knowing you!”

That April, God answered my prayers and He did it without using my kidney.  Jeff’s blood sugar dropped deathly low and he was rushed to the hospital.  My mother said she kept telling him to hang on.  “Just hang on Jeff! Hang on!”  Not too many people know this but Jeff actually died that day.  He came back with a truth that left us all speechless.  He described holding on to a stone wall inside of a well.  He was adamant that this was NO dream.  He told me, “it was as real as you standing before me now”.  At the bottom of the well was a person he knew (a person who did not know Christ), calling his name to join her.  He said he held on to that wall as tight as he could.  He didn’t know why but something was telling him to “hold on” and he knew that whatever was at the bottom of that deep, dark well was evil.  He said he knew beyond any doubt that that there is a God in heaven and he asked Christ to become Lord of his life. 

From that day until last Saturday the Lord worked in Jeff’s life.  He revealed things to Jeff that he couldn’t see before.  Jeff even asked his step son to forgive him.  In Christ, there truly is grace, forgiveness, mercy and healing.

His final moments on this earth were so peaceful.  Everyone had gone home and the room was quiet. The room glowed with the light from the fireplace.   I was on one side of Jeff and Mom was on the other.  I played music to help him relax.  All of the sudden he tried to speak.  Although I couldn’t understand his words, it was obvious that he knew what he was saying and in graceful elegance, my mother became an angel as she answered every one of his questions.  She eased his mind of all worries and concerns then, with tears streaming down her face, she told him that if he sees the light to go to it because this time it was okay.  Jesus would be waiting for him.  She told him to run into the arms of Jesus.  With those words he stopped talked and his body relaxed.  I watched as his face saw a world I have only read about.  As the music played, “So take me to a place where I can see You face to face. All I want to do is worship you, Lord”, he smiled bigger and brighter than my simple words can describe and we watched as his soul left with his final breath.  In my 36 years of life, I have never felt as close to touching Heaven as I did in that precious moment.  What a priceless gift I was given!

I will never look at death the same way again.   I know that when I lose someone who knows Christ, I won’t be able to grieve as I once did.   A new understanding of joy has been revealed to me.  However, with that joy came a new level of sorrow.  My heart grieves so much deeper for those who refuse to believe and accept salvation. 

Jeff’s story is a beautiful picture of forgiveness and redemption.  A man who started his life without a father began his eternal life in the arms of his Heavenly Father.  An orphaned son who was never taught to be father, sought forgiveness from his own broken son.  The impossible not only becomes possible, it becomes Love’s true miracle in the scars of Jesus.    

The Lord never said this life would be easy but He does promise that with Him you will NOT go through it alone.  And He will be waiting with open arms when it’s your time to go home just as He was waiting when Jeff ran into His arms. 

This mortal life is so short.  Why waste one second?!  Steal as many kisses as you can!  Laugh till your cheeks hurt!  Be a father to the fatherless!  Be a mother to a broken soul! Love with all you have! Reconcile so that you may have peace!  Forgive so that you may heal! Accept GRACE and FORGIVENESS so that you can begin to prepare for a life that is eternal! 

 The song that was playing as Jeff entered Heaven:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBtx0GAASe0

This is an article about the airplane crash:

http://www3.gendisasters.com/new-york/2495/new-york,-ny-laguardia-airport-airplane-crash,-may-1947

"Girl, I will set it off up in here. She don't know me. You better be glad you at church. Jesus just saved your life, Hallelu-yer!" Madea, Madea's Family Reunion

Growing up, my dad would tell me I’d make a great lawyer.  At the time I wasn’t really sure what he meant.  I look back now and laugh, understanding his words clearly. I was an argumentative child but I wasn’t a brat.  I saw the world in black and white and for the life of me couldn’t understand how people allow injustice to exist.

In second grade I beat up 3 little boys on the playground for making my friend cry.  They were teasing her because she wore braces on her legs.  As she told me what they were saying I didn’t just see the hurt on her face; I felt the breaking of her heart as if it were being crushed inside my own chest.  As my blood began to boil, I looked through the crowds of faceless students until I spotted the three perpetrators still laughing and looking for their next victim.  Without a second of hesitation, my feet began to sprint and before I knew it, I was airborne.  As I landed, I took out all three boys and my fists started flying.  A few minutes later I was respectfully arguing my case in the principal’s office.  I must have made a pretty persuasive argument because not only did I NOT get sent home for three days (like the three disheveled bullies who sat before me), the principal didn’t even call my parents.  JUSTICE WAS SERVED.

My dad loved this about me. Not the part about using my fists.  He loved that I longed to rid the world of injustice.  If I saw a man on the side of the road holding a sign that read Will work for food I was going to feed them!  My parents could have scoffed about it (knowing it was more than likely a scam) but instead they nurtured my compassionate heart.  Better to ere on the side of righteousness.  They allowed me to be angry at the face of injustice and encouraged me to take a stand when I felt led.

My dad and I would have these deep, heated discussions where he would make me think and break down problems until the solution was evident.  Then with a smile he would say, “You just won your case”. 

I remember getting frustrated during one particular discussion regarding children who had been taken from their abusive home. My frustration turned to anger when none of my solutions would work and all I could say was, “Well, that’s just not fair!”

Without missing a beat he responded with, “Who ever said life was fair?”

I was hurt and disappointed in his response.  Before walking away feeling completely defeated I implored him, “Please don’t ever say that to me again”.  He never did.

I didn’t become a lawyer but the desire for righteous justice and fairness still dwells within me.  Unfortunately, growing older has made me cynical about a few things however, the belief in justice is not one of them.

I believe at some point in life we all connect with at least one particular person who seems to be living comfy, cozy, and completely content embedded as the thorn in our side.  They seem to be able to hurt whomever they want yet never get hurt in return. They steal from others and end up getting even more than they had taken.  They turn on their own family and get a pat on the back for a job well done.  It seems no matter how hard we try to live right or do right by others or how hard we strive to be like Christ, the thorns always seem to come out on top.  They have you walking away feeling defeated by the unfairness of it all. Are you the type to admit defeat and find that it’s easier to just walk away than to fight what seems to be a losing battle?  Or are you more like me? Walking away feeling defeated yet responding with confidence to the enemy who whispers who said life was fair? with a bold “Don’t ever say that to me again!”

I’m in a very delicate place at the moment. I desire to reflect Christ in every aspect of my life and the thorn in my side (also known as my ex husband) has fogged the line between righteous anger and anger born of my flesh.  Some will debate that there is a difference.  The Word of God clearly states that there is. 

Anger is a natural emotion that we all share.  We have all been created in the image of God (Gen 1:27) and our emotions are a part of His creation.  As a gift He has given each one of us free will; the ability to independently choose and make decisions.  These facts lead me to ask:

            Is there a difference between righteous anger and sinful anger?

            How does my reaction to anger help/hinder my walk and the path of those around me?

God’s anger appears throughout the Bible.  2 Kings 22 tells us how great His anger can be. Jesus was so angry at the sight of the temple being used as the local strip mall that he started turning over tables!   Deuteronomy 4:24 tell us that He is a consuming fire.  Have you ever sat and watched a fire consume something?  Not a very happy or peaceful sight.  Since we know that God is righteous, therefore everything about Him is righteous leading to the conclusion that there is in fact a righteous anger.  Furthermore, since we are created in His image, we have the ability to possess a righteous anger.  So, is all anger righteous?  Absolutely not! 

God’s anger NEVER comes out of frustration or confusion.  I read somewhere that God’s anger is a direct and calculated response to sin.  (Isn’t that a fabulous revelation!?)   So getting irate when someone cuts you off on the express way or your blood pressure reaching stroke level over a waitress who gets your order wrong is NOT righteous anger. It isn’t a sin to not check your bind spot when changing lanes.  It's certainly not a sin remember incorrectly!  Aren't we all grateful for that!

Yesterday was a real battle for me.  I was angry to the point of tears!  The thorn in my side decided that a court ordered child support agreement should bend to fit his needs.  The first words that come to mind regarding my reaction yesterday are frustration and confusion.  A friend sent me a scripture that her husband (who I think is a wonderful husband and father) wanted to share with me.

            “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Romans 12:20

My first response was, “Can I skip the eating and drinking and just heap burning coals on his head?”  I’m pretty sure that response wasn’t coming from righteous anger!  So, after I took a shower and refreshed my spirit I revisited the verse once more but this time I started a few verses before and ended with the verse after.

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:  “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

Romans 20:17-21

So we must ask ourselves, why am I angry?  Am I angry over an injustice outlined in scripture to be a direct consequence of sin? Or am I angry simply because I haven’t gotten my way? How do I respond in anger?

            “In your anger, do not sin.”   Ephesians 4:26 

We are cautioned to not be so quick in our anger.  Even righteous anger can lead to a sinful response.  A father’s righteous anger over the murder of his daughter isn’t justified by killing the murderer.  It may seem that way especially to those of you reading this who has children.   But think about the consequences when we repay evil with evil.  At the time our first thought may be that we don’t care what happens to us.  Let them lock me up and throw away the key because I have brought justice to my daughter. But what happens to the wife and family left behind?  Our reaction to anger, even righteous anger can have a devastating ripple effect. 

Is my anger toward my ex husband a righteous anger?  In this particular situation, believe that it is.  Not taking care of the children you abandoned goes against God's Word.  Was my response a righteous response?  Initially, not so much.  I was able to keep the outburst away from my children and had enough wisdom to contact those who I trust to give me good GODLY advice and who I trusted to gently talk me down from my irrational ledge.  Although I really wanted my flesh to see instant justice, I was slow to act on that desire.  As hard as it is for me, I must be slow in my anger and trust that God’s Word is true!  He will bring justice and judgment but in His perfect timing and not according to my desire for quick justification.

 If my anger comes from my flesh then I need to repent and change my heart!  Why get angry over the small things that have no eternal worth?  So many times we waste our energy being angry because we are stuck in holiday traffic inside our nice warm cars while a homeless man shivers under the overpass next to us.   

If seeing children disrespect their parents, employees being sloppy or lazy on the job, or watching a parent weighing their child down with unrealistic expectations angers you, it’s a righteous anger. (Ephesians 6)

How I react to righteous anger is crucial.  Walking over and disciplining someone else’s disrespectful child may not be a wise response! 

Our response to righteous anger will be different according to how God is telling us to respond. 

We must seek the Lord with all of our heart and listen to what He is telling us to do. If we are still unsure, ask those around us who we trust to pray for us.  Our God is faithful! He may tell us to be bold and courageous or He may tell us to just be still and know that He is Lord.  Either way, The will of God will never lead us to a place where the grace of God will not protect us.

Flying through the air with a rebel yell and beating the snot out of three bullies may not be how God is calling you to react.  I'm pretty certain that dismembering a cheating spouse isn't a righteous response either.  However, if you have a righteous anger regarding broken homes maybe God is calling you to start a divorce care group or if you have a righteous anger for children who have been abandoned, maybe he is calling you to respond by opening your home to those children. 

I know right now in my situation, my response is to wait on the Lord as His justice is revealed in His perfect timing! 

Be blessed! And even in your righteous anger, be a blessing!

New Years Resolution ReVOlution!

res·o·lu·tion  [rez-uh-loo-shuhn] –noun  a formal expression of opinion or intention made; the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose


rev·o·lu·tion  [rev-uh-loo-shuhn] –noun   a sudden, complete or marked change in something; a radical and pervasive change

I'm curious... how many of you make New Years Resolutions and actually succeed in what you have set out to accomplish?  I must confess, I'm not sure I ever have!  I don't even remember what my resolutions were last year.  I'm sure I was excited, determined, and more than likely it had to do with weight loss.  
What's the point in having resolutions if nothing gets resolved???  Of course I did research on the history of New Years Resolutions and, as you may have guessed, it's a pagan thing.  Like most pagan rituals, good and Godly things can come from it if we take it back and use it for the glory of God and that's what I have decided to do. 

REALLY wanting to succeed in this endeavour, I decided I needed a game plan. 

1. PRAY and come up with a list of areas in my life in which I'm truly seeking change.

2. Dig deep within myself and be honest about why I feel the need to change these things.

3. Determine if the goal is realistic (I once had a resolution to lose 25lbs and audition for a major motion picture by June. At the time I was 127lbs and just graduated high school)

4. Research and write down what it will take to reach that goal.

5. Begin the REVOLUTION

Resolution #1

Be a Better Mother

Why:  Although I love my children with every fiber of my being, I feel that I have fallen short in so many areas. I have gotten lackadaisical in my parenting out of pure exhaustion.  Being a working single mom with 4 kids who are active in sports and church activities isn't so easy.  What is easy is letting them get away with not cleaning their room or picking up after themselves, cruising in a fast food drive-thru instead of making a healthy home cooked meal, rushing them into the bath and a two second tuck into bed instead of taking the time to read to them and pray with them before they close their eyes, and most of all its easier to blame all of this on being a single working mom of 4 instead of accepting the strength that God offers and doing the job I've been called to do as a mother regardless of how difficult or tiring it may be.

Realistic: Absolutely!

Plan: 1. Pray for strength.  Write down as many scriptures as I can on strength and God's grace and carry them with me at all times.  This way when I am tempted to slide back into laziness, I can pull out a card and draw strength from God's promises.

2. Plan meals on a weekly bases according to our schedule and use the crock pot A LOT.

3. Follow through with the chore chart.

4. Start having daily devotions and prayer time as a family again.

Resolution #2

Become Healthier

Why: My head automatically says, because your chubby butt needs to lose about 15 pounds! If I let the "why" end there, this would definitely be an unrealistic resolution.  I have fought with body image issues my entire life. I battled with bulimia and anorexia until I became pregnant with my first child.  Even now, I fight with the voices in the back of my mind that tell me I'm not good enough because my body is so very far from perfect. I win that battle every day by telling those voices that I have been created in my Father's image!  However, I'm pretty certain that God isn't packing on an extra 15 pounds of cellulite! If I have been created in the image of God and if my body is supposed to a temple, I may be in danger of a 30 day notice!  The reality is I AM a daughter of the Most High,  I AM a single mom and my babies depend on me, and I AM living an unhealthy lifestyle that will only cause destruction.

Realistic: Absolutely

Plan: 1. Pray every morning for a healthy spirit, healthy mind, and healthy body.  Do NOT focus on weight loss.

2. Cut out my beloved Diet Coke and only treat myself to a white chocolate mocha once a month.

3. Prepare meals at home (which co insides with my Better Mommy plan)

4. Do some form of exercise at least 3 times a week.  Definitely getting back into yoga! My back will be so happy!

Resolution #3

Start Dating Again

Why: As you all know (if you have read my earlier bog entries) I'm not a big fan of the whole dating scene.  Taking a closer look at myself, I've realized that I have over analyzed the whole process.  It just didn't make sense to me to keep putting myself out there and wasting time (and risking my heart) with someone who may not work out anyway.  I would pick these poor guys apart trying to find ways it wouldn't work out between us. Example: He lives too far and probably wouldn't want to move because of ... and I can't uproot my kids so it wouldn't work out. The thought process may be practical but it's left me with a very boring social life.  On the weekends the kids are with their father, I am at home reading, writing, sewing, or watching old black and white movies.  I absolutely LOVE doing these things! However, none of them are "social" activities and none of them really scream adventure. Besides the once-a-month singles event at my bull-riding friend's church, I haven't made an effort to meet new people.  In an attempt to broaden my horizons, I shall take a chance and place my lamp back in the window; not because I think I need a man to complete me but because I finally know that I am already complete and strong enough to take on a little adventure.  And if God decides to introduce me to my future husband, I will be open to His will.

Realistic: Absolutely (says the hopeless romantic in me who longs for adventure) Yes, I believe so (says the realistic scenic who just found another gray hair)

Plan: 1. Pray for wisdom, discernment, and hearts where they belong (in the chest protected by muscle and bone and not on the sleeve).

2. Stop expecting and start enjoying.

3. Stop looking at each man as a potential husband and look at him as a potential good friend.

Resolution #4
Finish my Novel

Why: I am actually working on my second novel which I started over two years ago.  Writing is passion of mine and I believe to be a gift.  There is a longing in my spirit to see it through.

Realistic: Yes. 

Plan: This one is a little more difficult.  Since my writing is inspired and not forced it seems impossible to set aside a block of time on a regular bases to write. 

1. Pray for wisdom, guidance, and inspiration.

2. Set short term goals.  Have at least 5 chapters written every three months. (this may change).

3. Carry a notebook with me to write whenever I feel inspired.

I long to be who God is calling me to be. The problem is, I'm not sure who she is half the time. I get so lost as I try to conquer the world of little league, cheerleading, and tween dating! That's why I chose these particular resolutions from my list of many.  I'm in need of a REVOLUTION! A marked change in my life. 

The lyrics to a song by the Christian band Switchfoot keep ringing in my ears:

Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside....

We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life, yeah
We were meant to live for so much more

All of my resolutions are a means to reach my main goal which is a better understanding of who God is calling me to be.  There are certain things in my life in which I have felt the Lord's pull and I'm tired of being lost in my own mayhem.  We were all created to be so much more.  Let's BE more!  Let's seek who we are called to be! Make a list of resolutions that will create a revolution in your life and open your heart and your mind to a new understanding of why you were created and what purpose the Creator wants to fulfill in you!

Happy New Year!!!  Be blessed and don't forget to be a blessing! Feel free to share with us your resolutions!

               

He sees you when you're sleeping? He knows when you're Awake???... That worries me. (Tim Gunn, Lifetime Channel Commercial)

I recently had the most wonderful conversation with my 14 year old son regarding Santa Claus.  During a car ride home, my six year old began singing Santa Claus is coming to Town.  After my daughter joined him in the chorus, my very wise eldest child (and co-pilot) turns to me and asks, “Who came up with Santa Claus anyway?  Don’t you find it creepy? I mean, why would anyone be excited about an old fat man knowing when your kids are sleeping then sneaking in your house?” I BURST into laughter!  My first thought was the Tim Gunn commercial for Lifetime.  Believing strongly in teachable moments (and after we had both enjoyed a good chuckle), I shared the story of Saint Nicholas which left ME pondering the motivation of my own heart this Christmas season. 

Nicholas was born to wealthy Christian parents during the third century on the southern coast of Turkey.  His parents died when he was a young boy. As he grew older, he was convicted by the teachings of Christ and in obedience he used his ENITRE inheritance to help those in need and dedicated the rest of his life to serving Christ, even being imprisoned for his faith.  How the story of this Godly man with such a giving heart and love for the Lord has turned into a fable of an “old fat man knowing when your kids are sleeping then sneaking in your house” is very unfortunate.

Since that night, jolly old Saint Nick (the real one) has been on my mind.  I started looking at around at the people in my life, my church home, the town I live in, the place where I work, the schools my children go to and I became overwhelmed and completely humbled by my surroundings.   As soon as I stopped focusing on the one part of my life that feels incomplete, I was able to experience the countless blessings that I couldn’t possibly begin to deserve!  This revelation came into focus several nights ago:

Early December and evening has set in the crisp North Georgia mountains.  Excitement fills our home as the much anticipated Christmas decorating festivities begin!  Laughter and jubilation abolishes any remnant of sadness or worry as we prepare for Jesus’ Birthday celebration!

 I remember being a little girl and how the pure joy of this moment would beam out of every pore of my being!  After 35 years, that is one thing that hasn’t changed in me. I sat back and watched as my children decorated the Christmas tree with all the ornaments made by their own little hands; some not so little anymore.  I cherished the sight and thanked God for the gift of that moment.  It became clear that my selfish and undeserving flesh has not stood in the way of God pouring out His Grace, Mercy and BLESSING all over my life! 

I have the most wonderful family and friends who inspire and encourage me every day!

I am ecstatic to be part of a church family whose desire is to obey God and run full force in His will.  Where my children are learning more than Bible stories; they are learning what it means to be Christ-like and are actually going out and meeting the needs in our community.  Where a single mother (as stubborn and independent she feels she must be) can rest assured that her babies will stay warm this winter thanks to her “family members”.   

I live in a town where the people take care of each other whether they know you or not. 

My children attend schools where they are allowed to celebrate Christmas!  My six year old (who is being tested for learning disabilities) has a teacher who refuses to give up on him.  EVERY child in her class is blessed having her in their lives!  I’ve never known a teacher who gives as much as she does!  What she teaches goes so far beyond textbooks and will be with my baby through the years as he grows into a man.  She blesses this mother’s heart!  I can only imagine how much she blesses the Father’s heart!

I have the most AMAZING job!  I can’t thank God enough for placing me there.  My patients bless my heart daily. I am able to work for one of my dearest friends!  She is a brilliant physician and surgeon and although she has the prestige of being called Doctor, I have never met a more humble and giving woman.  She truly cares about her family, friends and her patients; not just physically but spiritually. My ring tone for her sums up who she is to me: Sometimes I swear I don’t know if I’m coming or going but you always say something without even knowing and I’m hanging on to your words with all of my might and it’s alright.  She and her husband totally win Mr. and Ms. Saint Nick 2010!!!

My focused has changed.  Although the longing is still there to NOT be single, it’s such a small piece of void compared to the bulging blessings that fill the rest of my heart!  I want to be a giver like Saint Nicholas and all the people I am surrounded by everyday!  I don’t want to live in the fantasy of Santa Claus where the motivation of my being “naughty or nice” depends on what I can get! I have MORE than I could ask for and far more than I deserve. 

Be a BLESSING as we go through this hectic holiday season.  Let’s stay focused on WHO we are celebrating and what “gifts” we can give Him for His Birthday!